1st Meeting with Oncologist

Written Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Where do I begin . . .
A) the point where I am encapsulated in tremendous peace, a peace that transcends all understanding
or
B) the journey that brought me to this point?

Of course, I am going to start with the journey! Chronological order, people!

Today was my first day back to school! It felt great to be surrounded by people who love children and love teaching. It was great being back with my team albeit for a short time. I thank God for my Meadow Wood community.

That joyous feeling was soon overcome by a dark, ominous cloud.

I learned that seeing my new scar for the first time on April 8 was not one of the hardest times of my life as I had once previously thought (see an earlier blog entry). Nope, today my medical oncologist shook me to the core. She showed us 6 tumors in my lungs on my latest CT scan, 3 on each side. They were about the size of nickels. My cancer is now in Stage 4 as it has metastasized. My CT scan just 4 months earlier was clear so this means that the cancer is pretty aggressive. My unclassified soft-tissue sarcoma is very rare. They are not sure why my arm is completely clear of disease while my lungs are showing rapid metastasis. Because of these uncertainties and the very nature of sarcomas, my medical oncologist wants to proceed with the most aggressive chemotherapy treatment.

She asked us, do you want to proceed with the most aggressive treatment?

Eric asked, "Well, what does that mean?"

Her response, Sarah, you will be wearing a wig to your wedding in November. first blow  While it was a shock to hear the words out loud, I was preparing myself for that.

She continued, we will start you on a combination of 2 drugs through a catheter (to your heart). You will have chemo for 4 days straight, 5 hours each day. On the first 3 days you take home more chemo drugs in a bag that feed into your catheter. Then you will rest and let your body heal for 2 weeks and we start the second cycle. Of course my immediate reaction was "how am I going to teach?" Her recommendation was that I might need to take a leave of absence. WHAT??? Now this had NEVER crossed my mind. HUGE second blow

When do we need to start? Next week.

Are you ready to start treatment? she asks. Honestly, I answer no. (I have my students, I have my wedding, I have my normal way of life. NO I am not ready to start treatment. ) She then reminds me of my rare sarcoma and that time is of the essence. My mom, my dad, and Eric are all dumbfounded as the news keeps coming. third blow

Fertility became the next discussion topic. As many know, chemo wreaks havoc on the ovaries. She reminds us of that risk. We are then informed that there isn’t enough time to harvest eggs before we need to start treatment. However, she does give us another option of inducing menopause taking Lupron (sp?) to protect my eggs. fourth blow

Then she rattles off my schedule: heart tests, Chemo training, PET scan Friday; catheter installation Tuesday; and Chemo starts Wednesday.

Four people leave the room devastated. Even our oncologist tears up.

How can all of this be happening?

But if you remember the beginning of this entry there was a part A. As I write this entry, I am hopeful and peaceful. This evening we had a church “retreat” for small group leaders. There was no doubt in my mind that Eric and I needed to be there. We were prayed over and loved on and our heavy hearts were lightened. We also feel your prayers from afar. I would not be in this restful place if it weren’t for your prayers, for your notes, for your offers of help, for your texts, for your calls. While we weren’t expecting these 4 blows today, they are the hand we have been dealt. Time will show the beauty that results and the divine purpose.

Shine bright firefly, shine bright. – In the midst of the darkness, the holy spirit with shine within me. – Shine bright firefly, shine bright.

Oncologist - Thursday at 1:30 PM

My oncologist had a cancellation so I will be able to see her tomorrow at 1:30 PM.  Eric and my parents will be at this appointment.  My appointment tomorrow is great news so that I can keep moving forward in this process.  Unfortunately, it happens to be when I am supposed to be presenting our curriculum program to my faculty.  The good news is that we present as a team . . . so hopefully everything will be just fine.  Another great thing is that my faculty piloted this program so it is old hat.

Again, thanks so much for your words, prayers, thoughts and love.  I know that I am not alone. 

p.s. I woke up today at 2 am hoping it was all a dream.  Apparently it is not. 

CT Scan Results, Next Step a PET Scan

Today was a difficult day. 

"Sarah, I have bad news."

Hearing those words from anyone at MD Anderson is heart-wrenching.  Today, Dr. Lin called me and informed in that my CT Scan showed small spots on my lungs.  This of course is a change from my CT Scan just 4 months ago.  While Eric and I knew that this indeed was a possiblity, I had convinced myself that everything would be just fine.  I found myself in disbelief.  I have very few details -- my mind could not think of any questions. 

What I do know:
*I am scheduled for a head to toe PET Scan on Friday at 2:30
*I am going to be meeting with an oncologist next week to discuss results and treatment
*Dr. Lin says I will most likely have chemo

When I was first diagnoised I heard God say to me, "Sarah, you are going to be fine because I have you in my arms, but it is not going to be as easy as you think."  I didn't share this with many people because everything was looking really good and I thought I was being overally dramatic.  Now I understand.  It is beautiful to see how God has constantly provided for me (and Eric) and I know that He will do so through this experience. 

Although, I do find myself wondering -- Why me?  Honestly, I feel like I have already gone through a lot in my life and I just don't understand this trial.  Please pray for me especially with the beginning of the school year.  I was so excited to start this year healthy and strong.  I WILL start the year strong and I WILL love my children with all of my heart but please pray for strength and health.  I want to be able to give them my ALL every day.  On another note, I am getting married in November.  My marriage is quickly approaching with so many unknowns.  While we never know what the future holds, it is definitely easy to let my mind wander down the path of "what if's . . ."  Please pray that I will conquer cancer and enter my marriage strong.  Please pray for Eric and strength and guidance during this time. 

Love you all. Thank you for reading.  Wish I could bring better news today. 

Results from Follow Up

I just finished up my appointments today.  My plastic surgeon, Dr. Adelman, is pleased with the healing but NOT pleased with me wearing sleeve-less shirts.  Yes, I had the divine luck of running past Dr. Adelman on Allen Parkway this past Saturday.  I knew the man with the Yale shirt looked very familiar.  I questioned, "Could this be Dr. Adelman taking a morning jog??"  Since he was out of his element, I was not sure.  I just ran and smiled. 

Well, today, he said, "Were you running on Saturday?"  My response, "Yes, I KNEW it was you!!"  He replied, "Well, I didn't recognize you in the sleeve-less shirt you were NOT supposed to be wearing."  "Dr. Adelman, I told you I wore sleeve-less shirts.  I told you.  I wear 60 spf sunscreen everyday."  Anyway, long story short, I left feeling like I wasn't really taking care of my scar.  But oh well, it's Houston and it's HOT!!!

My follow up with Dr. Lin was brief.  He is a man of few words with a direct point.  I really respect him.  My chest x-rays were clear and my MRI looked pretty good.  Since I just had surgery on my arm, the imaging looked intense but normal for post surgery.  However, Dr. Lin stated that he noticed a interesting shadow on the MRI that appeared under my arm/lung.  Since my chest x-ray was clear, he doesn't think it has to do with the lungs.  He however wants to be certain, so I will have a CT scan on Friday.  (I hate CT scans)

Oh well.  So I will keep carrying on. :o)  Thanks for reading.

First 3 Month Follow Up

Today, I will have my first 3 month follow up from my April surgery.  I sent Friday at MD Anderson getting an MRI, chest x-rays, and x-rays of the right humorous.  In July Dr. Adelmen revised my incision eliminating the extra pointed skin.  I have to say it is a little weird not having a mini cone on my arm :o).  But yes, I think I can handle it!  My good friend Courtney is giving up her afternoon to be with me for my follow up appointments.  She is wonderful. 

Eric is about to complete a 26 hour drive to Salt Lake City.  He is on a business trip touring the west with Garrett Finney, mastermind of Cricket Trailer.  http://crickettrailer.com/.  Tomorrow there is a huge trade show for outdoor enthusiasts.  Hopefully they will get some orders for the cricket!  Now off to MD Anderson. 

Engagement Photos Done!!

Yesterday, our wonderful photographer posted our engagement photos on her website.  You should check them out; they are incredible.  www.sweetcarolinephoto.com  If you or anyone needs photos taken, Caroline is sooo talented and so pleasant!  She listens and tweaks ideas!  Caroline has a gift and we are so blessed that she is taking our wedding photos as well. 

The wedding planning process is a wonderful one full of learning.  It always comes back to what is important, really?  And the answer to that question is the life-long commitment Eric and I are making to each other and the wonderful blessing of spending a life with someone you adore and who adores you.   And the party that celebrates this blessing and commitment is really fun too -- BUT extra.

I have been reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.  Thomas looks at marriage as a spiritual discipline not a path to happiness.  I appreciate his realness.  He helps put marriage in perspective. 

"Marriage calls us to an entirely new and selfless life. . . I believe the primary purpose of marriage is to model God's love for his church. . . . The first purpose of marriage --beyond happiness, sexual expression, the bearing of children, companionship, mutual care and provision, or anything else -- is to please God." 

If I enter my marriage with the mindset that my goal is to please God -- can you imagine how life changing that will be for Eric and I!

Anyway, just some thoughts.



 

School's Out for Summer!

So, I made a goal for this summer to read the chapter books in my classroom library that I have not already read.

Frindle by Andrew Clements
I love, love, love this book!  Clements has a way with words that keeps the reader involved.  I will be recommending it to my students for sure!

The Lemonade War by Jacqueline Davies
I liked that this book used economics throughout the plot.  Children can relate to selling lemonade and having a feud with their siblings.  It was slow in parts but I really do like the economics aspect.

Umbrella Summer by Lisa Graff
The theme of this book is outstanding.  The main character is dealing with the sudden death of her brother Jared.  I highly recommend this book for adults too.

A selection:  "Maybe it took one person to open an umbrella and stick it up in the air to block out the rain, but it took a whole lot of people to close it.  And even though I was pretty sure I still had a few more inches to go, I knew that once my umbrella was all the way closed, I was going to keep it like that for a long time.  Because as it turned out, I sure did like the sunshine."